bachelor

Today’s douchebag might seem unexpected. And truthfully, while I harbor ill will towards many of the other douchebags I write about, I don’t really harbor any towards this one. I just want to kick him in the balls for being so lucky.

Today’s DB is Chris Harrison. For those of you who don’t waste portions of your life on reality tv like I do, he’s the host of one of my favorite shows, The Bachelor.  And the truth is, I actually like him. He seems to have a hidden snarky side which I really appreciate in a person. The reason I’m calling him out is that I read online that he was worth 15.5 million dollars. Now I know you can’t believe everything you read, but whatever the number actually is, I’m sure it’s a lot. A large portion of that surely comes from his Bachelor salary.  Now, let’s break down what he actually does on the show. He shows up at the beginning of each episode while all the remaining contestants are sitting around the living room. He congratulates them for being there, tells them how many dates there will be that week, how many of them will be going home at the end of the week, and finally puts a ‘date card’ on the table.  In total he’s probably there about 60 seconds.  Ok, so far on a skill and difficulty level here’s where my head’s at. Growing up a neighbor of mine had a blue parrot named Steve. They were able to teach him to talk, and frankly I’m pretty confident that Steve could’ve handled Chris Harrison’s opening monologue. You know that expression, so easy a monkey could do it? Well, in this case it’s a parrot but either way, Chris Harrison is the luckiest bitch around.

Chris’ exit is followed by about an hour and a half of gratuitous hot tub scenes, cheesy helicopter rides, and pathetic admissions of love after dating for approximately 7 minutes. All of which in my opinion make it must see tv.  But I do think more people need to have sex in the ocean. The slutty girl from Ben Flajnik’s season did it, as did the emotional train wreck from Juan Pablo’s season.  Ocean sex equals drama. Drama equals ratings.  Ratings equals even more money for Chris Harrison.  My anger rages on…

Anyway, with about 20-30 minutes left in the show, Chris once again comes into the living room before the cocktail party starts. He points out the contestants with roses and acknowledges that they are safe at the upcoming rose ceremony. He reiterates how many people will be going home that night and wishes everybody luck. Once again, I believe this is something Steve could handle. I mean, he would’ve already had the ‘how many people are going home this week’ bit down pat from earlier.  I’m telling you, the bird would nail it.

Then comes the cocktail party which is always best when someone gets really drunk and makes a complete ass of themselves.  I particularly love when it’s a female contestant.  The drunk guy always ends up in the pool which is just not as fun as a sloppy drunk chick ugly crying uncontrollably behind a bush.  And more often than not her name is Ashley.

At some point Chris Harrison comes back out holding a glass of champaign and a spoon. He bangs the spoon on the glass indicating that the party is over and it’s time for the rose ceremony. Now I don’t know if I’ve ever banged a spoon on a champaign glass, but it doesn’t seem hard. He does create a pleasant sound and it’s pretty consistent from week to week. Maybe that’s why he’s worth millions.

Finally, he comes out at the rose ceremony and introduces the bachelor or bachelorette. He always gets his or her name right. I guess that’s something. And here’s where he really must earn his paycheck.  When there’s one more rose to hand out, Chris Harrison comes out again and says, ‘there’s one more rose to hand out.’  The man’s a genius. He gets paid an exorbitant amount of money to state the obvious. For that reason I am violently jealous, which is why I’ve named him the DB of the day.

You know who gets to share today’s DB title?  Vanna White. That robot/Barbie Doll still gets paid a lot of money to smile, clap, and illuminate vowels. Although having to fake laugh at Pat Sajak’s tragically corny jokes every night is at least worth a few grand. That said, she’s still a douchebag.

Written by Hope Grider