Today’s douchebag might seem unexpected. And truthfully, while I harbor ill will towards many of the other douchebags I write about, I don’t really harbor any towards this one. I just want to kick him in the balls for being so lucky.

Today’s DB is Chris Harrison. For those of you who don’t waste portions of your life on reality tv like I do, he’s the host of one of my favorite shows, The Bachelor.  And the truth is, I actually like him. He seems to have a hidden snarky side which I really appreciate in a person. The reason I’m calling him out is that I read online that he was worth 15.5 million dollars. Now I know you can’t believe everything you read, but whatever the number actually is, I’m sure it’s a lot. A large portion of that surely comes from his Bachelor salary.  Now, let’s break down what he actually does on the show. He shows up at the beginning of each episode while all the remaining contestants are sitting around the living room. He congratulates them for being there, tells them how many dates there will be that week, how many of them will be going home at the end of the week, and finally puts a ‘date card’ on the table.  In total he’s probably there about 60 seconds.  Ok, so far on a skill and difficulty level here’s where my head’s at. Growing up a neighbor of mine had a blue parrot named Steve. They were able to teach him to talk, and frankly I’m pretty confident that Steve could’ve handled Chris Harrison’s opening monologue. You know that expression, so easy a monkey could do it? Well, in this case it’s a parrot but either way, Chris Harrison is the luckiest bitch around.

Chris’ exit is followed by about an hour and a half of gratuitous hot tub scenes, cheesy helicopter rides, and pathetic admissions of love after dating for approximately 7 minutes. All of which in my opinion make it must see tv.  But I do think more people need to have sex in the ocean. The slutty girl from Ben Flajnik’s season did it, as did the emotional train wreck from Juan Pablo’s season.  Ocean sex equals drama. Drama equals ratings.  Ratings equals even more money for Chris Harrison.  My anger rages on…

Anyway, with about 20-30 minutes left in the show, Chris once again comes into the living room before the cocktail party starts. He points out the contestants with roses and acknowledges that they are safe at the upcoming rose ceremony. He reiterates how many people will be going home that night and wishes everybody luck. Once again, I believe this is something Steve could handle. I mean, he would’ve already had the ‘how many people are going home this week’ bit down pat from earlier.  I’m telling you, the bird would nail it.

Then comes the cocktail party which is always best when someone gets really drunk and makes a complete ass of themselves.  I particularly love when it’s a female contestant.  The drunk guy always ends up in the pool which is just not as fun as a sloppy drunk chick ugly crying uncontrollably behind a bush.  And more often than not her name is Ashley.

At some point Chris Harrison comes back out holding a glass of champaign and a spoon. He bangs the spoon on the glass indicating that the party is over and it’s time for the rose ceremony. Now I don’t know if I’ve ever banged a spoon on a champaign glass, but it doesn’t seem hard. He does create a pleasant sound and it’s pretty consistent from week to week. Maybe that’s why he’s worth millions.

Finally, he comes out at the rose ceremony and introduces the bachelor or bachelorette. He always gets his or her name right. I guess that’s something. And here’s where he really must earn his paycheck.  When there’s one more rose to hand out, Chris Harrison comes out again and says, ‘there’s one more rose to hand out.’  The man’s a genius. He gets paid an exorbitant amount of money to state the obvious. For that reason I am violently jealous, which is why I’ve named him the DB of the day.

You know who gets to share today’s DB title?  Vanna White. That robot/Barbie Doll still gets paid a lot of money to smile, clap, and illuminate vowels. Although having to fake laugh at Pat Sajak’s tragically corny jokes every night is at least worth a few grand. That said, she’s still a douchebag.

So the other night I went into the bedroom after my daughter went to bed only to find my husband doing something he’s been doing far too often lately. Watching The Martian. I’ve still never watched the entire thing, but have seen bits and pieces. I’m not saying it’s not a good movie, I just don’t get why Adam feels the need to have it on so often. First of all, why are the cable channels playing it so much to begin with? Are there other weirdos like my husband that like to watch Matt Damon improvise a farm with Martian soil fertilized with human waste upwards of 3 times a week? It’s like that movie Cast Away. Again, good movie, but by the second hour of watching a freakishly hairy Tom Hanks make small talk with a volleyball you’re like, ok, someone please come rescue us all. Big props to Matt, or I guess I should say Mark, his character in the movie, for making it work on Mars, but frankly I’m sick of looking at that damn space suit. I could never have been an astronaut for a variety of reasons. My motion sickness and the inordinate amount of times I have to pee in a short time frame make even a road trip to south Florida challenging. A space mission to Mars? No thanks. Not to mention, those helmets would make me insanely claustrophobic and I think gravity is underrated. You know what else is underrated? Sauerkraut. The probiotic bacterias in sauerkraut are very useful to digestion and it’s a great accompaniment to a plethora of meats. But as usual, I digress.

Back to fake space missions. I guess I can relate in that I went through a phase many moons ago where I was watching the movie Pretty Woman WAY too often when it was on TV constantly. Not only did I know every word of dialogue, there’s one scene when Richard Gere takes Julia Roberts to the opera (she’s wearing that fab red dress) and I could even “sing” along to the damn opera. Side note, I will go see a quality musical, play, or ballet any day of the week. But opera, not so much. While I appreciate the talent, the thought of listening to that high pitch vibrato ringing in my ears for upwards of four hours straight is well…horrifying. No disrespect to the Scottish, but another thing that makes my ears hurt are the bagpipes. Now that I’m thinking about it, if given the choice, would I sit through 4 hours of opera or bagpipes? Honestly, I might choose death.

Anyway, I’m seeing Matt, Mark, whatever you want to call him make his way around Mars way too much these days. I need some space from this particular space mission. So since I want to save making Adam the DB of the day for the times he REALLY earns it, today, cable executives, it’s all you. You run The Martian that much, you’re going to be the douchebags of the day.