Today’s douchebag is Hallmark. I don’t even know if they’re fully to blame, but at least partially since my issue today revolves around what are known as “Hallmark holidays.”  They’ve gotten this name obviously because Hallmark makes a big deal every time they roll around. My issue isn’t so much with them making a big deal, it’s more about the timing. Although I think we could do without Valentines Day.  If you’re single, it makes you feel lonely, if you have someone it can put pressure on the relationship and inevitably you go out to dinner and over-pay for a piece of overcooked fish.  There are those people who say everyday should be like valentines day.  Clearly they live in some fantasy land where people shit rainbows, ride unicorns, and believe the tooth fairy is real.  I don’t live in that land, hence everyday is not Valentines Day. And I’m fine with that because if it was, I might have to shave my legs everyday and frankly that’s too much effort.

Here’s an example of my issue. It’s the beginning of January. We finally got through all the Merry Xmas messaging, mistletoe, and Mariah Carey singing in ill-fitting gowns.  I will admit, I do like her “All I want for Christmas” song, but all I want for Christmas next year Mariah is for you to put your tits away.  Anyway, we finally get past all that holiday excess, and what are we immediately faced with?  More holiday excess.  But this time in the form of hearts, chocolates, and heart shaped chocolates. It’s a month and a half before the damn “holiday” and already everything’s red. I find it not so coincidental that red signals both love and bloodshed.

So finally all the flowers have been delivered, and before they even have a chance to die…..here come the bunnies.  But before you bust out your bonnet, Easter isn’t for almost 2 months!  Another example of Hallmark jumping the gun. And for the record, I know people like those Cadbury cream eggs, but personally I think the inside looks like semen. Sorry to whomever’s Easter I just ruined.

And one last example, When Labor Day weekend ends, you’re feeling bummed that the summer is over and suddenly you’re being forced to decide whether to be a slutty cat or a slutty devil for Halloween. The reality is you have 8 weeks to decide, but they make you feel like if you don’t purchase your slutty cat ears soon, some other slut will beat you to it.  Then you’re barely recovered from your Halloween hangover and guess what starts up again?  The Christmas crap.  Bah fuckin humbug my friends.

Hallmark, and whoever else is responsible for this untimely excess of everything, you are today’s douchebag of the day.