Unfortunately for my husband Adam, he’s going to be named the DB of the day more than anyone else. I personally don’t feel it’s even a dig on him, it’s just when you cohabitate with another human being, all their douchebaggery is right there for you to see, all the time. I’m sure he would label me the douchebag of the day at times, he just doesn’t have a blog about it so nobody will know. I win.
Adam travels a lot for work which is mostly annoying, but it does have its perks. He works on golf, so he’s gone a lot of weekends. It sucks for obvious reasons, but it’s good because on Sunday nights if I want to indulge in some guilty Keeping up with the Kardashian pleasure I don’t have to hear him telling me that my IQ is dropping 5 points with every word that comes out of Kylie Jenner’s over-inflated clown lips. Sure, I agree that if Kim Kardashian takes one more selfie she should be locked in a basement with no food, water, or botox, but that doesn’t mean I’m not curious to see just how big her ass can look in a pencil skirt. It’s not so much must see TV, as it is must see booTY.
One particular trip, Adam was in Hawaii for a tournament at one of the most beautiful golf courses in the world. It was a Saturday and my daughter Lily and I had just come in from taking Elsa for a walk in the stroller. She “needed some air.” I needed some wine. Lily went the bathroom to pee, and came out asking me to help her pull up her pants and underwear. In her defense, she was wearing these leggings that were definitely too tight. I’ve been meaning to clean out her closet for oh, I’d say 3 years. She’s 3. Just as I was about to pull them up, I heard my phone “ding.” Adam had texted me a photo which I quickly opened. The best way to describe the photo would be, the most quintessential postcard you would find of Hawaii. Clear sky, crystal blue ocean, and perfectly placed palm trees. Basically heaven on earth. He also texted that it was “current view.” It was beautiful, I was jealous. But I had to get back to the task at hand, pulling up Lily’s pants. I looked down, and much to my dismay, I saw a large, somewhat textured brown mark in her underwear. Now before you jump to conclusions, she hadn’t pooped in her pants. She pooped earlier in the potty, it was the wiping part that was clearly a fail. Lily was late to start pooping on the potty, but once she did, she demanded privacy which I completely understand and respect. She likes to do everything herself, which is fine except the fact that she puts less effort into wiping her butt than Larry King did trying to make all 8 of his marriages work. So as I’m staring down at the poo marked panties, I thought back to Adam’s “current view” he had just sent me. Yup, I sure did. I reached for my phone, snapped a few pics, decided which angle was the most disturbing, and sent it off with the same caption, “current view.”
About 10 minutes later I heard back from Adam. The text just said, “I got you a nice gift.” He does always bring me back stuff from places he goes. He really stepped it up this time and brought me back a really nice bracelet. Sure that provided some redemption, but working at a golf course in Hawaii while I wipe ass in Orlando, I still deemed him the douchebag of the day.