So the other night I went into the bedroom after my daughter went to bed only to find my husband doing something he’s been doing far too often lately. Watching The Martian. I’ve still never watched the entire thing, but have seen bits and pieces. I’m not saying it’s not a good movie, I just don’t get why Adam feels the need to have it on so often. First of all, why are the cable channels playing it so much to begin with? Are there other weirdos like my husband that like to watch Matt Damon improvise a farm with Martian soil fertilized with human waste upwards of 3 times a week? It’s like that movie Cast Away. Again, good movie, but by the second hour of watching a freakishly hairy Tom Hanks make small talk with a volleyball you’re like, ok, someone please come rescue us all. Big props to Matt, or I guess I should say Mark, his character in the movie, for making it work on Mars, but frankly I’m sick of looking at that damn space suit. I could never have been an astronaut for a variety of reasons. My motion sickness and the inordinate amount of times I have to pee in a short time frame make even a road trip to south Florida challenging. A space mission to Mars? No thanks. Not to mention, those helmets would make me insanely claustrophobic and I think gravity is underrated. You know what else is underrated? Sauerkraut. The probiotic bacterias in sauerkraut are very useful to digestion and it’s a great accompaniment to a plethora of meats. But as usual, I digress.

Back to fake space missions. I guess I can relate in that I went through a phase many moons ago where I was watching the movie Pretty Woman WAY too often when it was on TV constantly. Not only did I know every word of dialogue, there’s one scene when Richard Gere takes Julia Roberts to the opera (she’s wearing that fab red dress) and I could even “sing” along to the damn opera. Side note, I will go see a quality musical, play, or ballet any day of the week. But opera, not so much. While I appreciate the talent, the thought of listening to that high pitch vibrato ringing in my ears for upwards of four hours straight is well…horrifying. No disrespect to the Scottish, but another thing that makes my ears hurt are the bagpipes. Now that I’m thinking about it, if given the choice, would I sit through 4 hours of opera or bagpipes? Honestly, I might choose death.

Anyway, I’m seeing Matt, Mark, whatever you want to call him make his way around Mars way too much these days. I need some space from this particular space mission. So since I want to save making Adam the DB of the day for the times he REALLY earns it, today, cable executives, it’s all you. You run The Martian that much, you’re going to be the douchebags of the day.