Today’s douchebag’s feelings won’t be hurt, because she has no feelings. She’s the voice of the GPS in a rental car.  Quick backstory, my husband and a bunch of his college friends go on a golf trip every year. Each year they pick a different city that has noteworthy golf courses and spend time as they say eating, drinking, bonding, and golfing. Now clearly that’s a bunch of bullshit, they do it to get away from their wives and kids for a few days. And that’s fine, us girls need that sometimes too, we just don’t get to do it once a year like our asshole husbands.

I kid, they’re actually a great group of guys.  For their 40th birthday blowout they chose Pebble Beach in California, and decided to invite the wives.  I was excited because all the wives are incredibly cool, those Ivy League nerds did very well for themselves. The wives all came with different ideas of how they wanted to spend the days. Some wanted to bike, hike, take tours and learn new things. I learned one thing about myself a long time ago, while as humans, our closest relative is supposedly the ape, I think in my case it’s not. It’s the sloth.  Innately, I like to sit on my ass whenever possible, especially while on vacation. Just give me a lounge chair by the pool and/or beach and I won’t get up unless I really have to pee.  Ladies, you know that feeling when you’re holding your pee for so long and finally it’s like, you feel that first drop desperately trying to escape your vagina it almost becomes painful?  That’s when I’ll get up to pee.

Anyway, one thing a bunch of us girls have in common is we like to shop. So one day we headed out to Carmel, a quaint local town with great shopping that was about 10-15 minutes away.  One of the girls said she would drive so we all hopped in her car.  There were 3 of us in the car, the girl driving requested the person who sat in the passenger seat help navigate. Here’s the deal, Helen Keller had a better sense of direction than me so I quickly went to the backseat. We plugged an address into the GPS and took off. It started out ok, but quickly went awry. We realized we’d been driving for 20-25 minutes and still no sign of the town. We continued on, attempting to follow this woman’s directions as she sounded so full of herself with her British accent and all. It’s like, you’re telling me when to turn left, you’re not the Duchess of York so get off your fucking high horse. Anyway, another 10 minutes passed and we quickly realized we had just made a complete circle and were pretty much back where we started.  Suddenly we hear the Duchess of York wannabe say, “You have reached your destination. Please pull over and exit the car.”  We looked around, clearly we weren’t at our destination, there was no town, shops, or restaurants in sight.  This bitch literally gave up on us. Like, listen you idiots, I could drone on for another 2 hours and you morons still won’t get there so just cut your losses get the hell out of the car.  We were so pissed, I wanted to fight her. I quickly realized her being computer generated meant fighting wasn’t an option. I would’ve kicked her ass.

Shout out to my girls Sam and Alexis for actually getting us there. Had it been up to me we might’ve ended up in Compton instead of Carmel. GPS lady, you are without question, the douchebag of the day.

Written by Hope Grider