As I previously mentioned, I’m from New York but moved to Orlando a few years ago. There are so many things to love about NY, the Broadway shows, the museums, the shopping, the bagels. In my opinion, there is nothing in this world better than a hot, fresh, deliciously dough-ey everything bagel with cream cheese, tomato, and lox on a lazy Sunday morning. The only thing that might be better is hearing my daughter giggle uncontrollably.  But honestly, if we’re talking literally right out of the oven, the bagel trumps the giggle. So I’m driving in Orlando, and I come across a shop called Einstein bagels.  Jews usually know their bagels so I decide to give it a shot.

It’s not Sunday so I decided to go simple. I ordered a sesame bagel with cream cheese. A few minutes later the woman handed me my bagel, I sat down at a table and dig in. I took one bite and was immediately horrified.

They have the nerve to call this a bagel!  It’s like the worst knock-off of a bagel I’ve ever tasted. Worse than the knock-off Louis Vuitton bags they sell for 10 bucks on the city street!  I’m telling you, this was no bagel, it had the consistency of a roll.  At least call it what it is. Like the Cronut, it’s part croissant, part donut. If this thing is a roll, disguised as a bagel, they should call it a ragel, or a boll!  At least cronuts are good, this “ragel” was a disgrace. It’s an outrage. And as a born and bred New Yorker, a Jewish New Yorker, I think I speak on behalf of my people by saying, frankly we’re offended. There’s a certain amount of integrity that comes along with calling something a bagel. What I ate was bread with a hole in it.

So Mr (and/or Mrs) Einstein, your shameless distortion makes you the douchebag(s) of the day. And I would urge you to change the name of your establishment. Einstein Bolls may not have the same ring to it, but at least it’s accurate. No more lies.