Today’s douchebag is not an entire person, just a portion of a person. You’ll understand once I delve into the story.

When I first moved to Florida we were renting a house and day 1 we pull up, granted I’m already totally freaked out about moving to a city that houses ‘the happiest place on earth,’ because frankly too much happiness gives me hives.  But there we were, getting our stuff out of the car and suddenly a woman, a very attractive woman, jogs over to us. Now, let me further explain that not only was she overall very attractive, she was wearing tiny spandex shorts and a sports bra. And her body, specifically her 6 pack abs was nothing less than perfection. Now this woman fits right in at the happiest place on earth, her abs alone give her 6 things to be happy about.

Well, turns out she was our new neighbor. PERFECT.  So every time I saw her jogging with her six pack, it reminded me that not only did I have a ‘no pack,’ at the time, I couldn’t even show off my abs if I wanted to. After I had my daughter, for a while I had a bad back and had to wear a hideous support belt. Picture a girdle from 1946 worn by an older woman who ate way too much cheese. So now picture me and my back girdle standing next to Patty Perfection and her six pack abs. Tragic. It turns out she was very nice, and the next day she brought us over these delicious homemade chocolate chip cookies. So Patty Perfection was also Martha Stewart minus the jail time. Yay. Secretly I wanted to make her eat the entire tray of cookies plus 10 more in hopes that her 6 pack would diminish to maybe a 4 pack. At least that would give me 2 things to be happy about here at the ‘happiest place on earth.”  Maybe I should get a job playing Snow White or Cinderella. Those bitches are always so happy. I want whatever they’re smoking.

Anyway, like I said, my neighbor was actually very nice, so just her abs are today’s douchebag of the day. They still taunt me. All 6 of them.

Written by Hope Grider