If you’re a parent, you probably have some experience with a pacifier. I know from friends that some kids can’t live without it, some are just bedtime suckers, and there’s everything in between.  My daughter, from what I hear, was one of the few that never wanted anything to do with it. And trust me, I tried. I remember one night at about 4am I was trying so desperately to shove that thing in her mouth to stop the crying. Not only would she not take it, every time she spit it out she would scream louder.  That was fun.

I know I’m lucky I didn’t have the problem some moms have where they have to wean their kids off the pacifier. I did however have another issue.  Wherever we would go, if Lily saw a kid with a pacifier, she will run up to them, grab it out of their mouth and throw it on the floor.  She literally couldn’t stand the sight of it.  It’s like she herself never embraced the idea of it, so she couldn’t for the life of her understand how anyone else would.  I guess if I really thought about it, I can relate in that when I see someone wearing a turtleneck, I just want to run up to them, rip it off and free them of the claustrophobic agony they must be enduring.  I don’t understand how people wear turtlenecks.  I know they can keep you warm in cold weather, but they would keep me warm in that I’d be sweating with anxiety as I felt myself being choked by a terribly aggressive cotton/polyester blend. In my mind turtlenecks are predators, and I steer clear of any and all kinds. Even the really expensive, soft, cashmere kind. Some might argue, material of that quality feels great on your neck, I still believe it to be an upscale chokehold.

Back to the pacifiers. So anywhere I would take Lily, I’d have to be on the lookout for a kid with a pacifier. While all moms keep their eyes peeled for anything sharp or breakable, I’m also scanning for binkys.  A bunch of us used to meet at the playground pretty often, and this one little boy Shane, probably the sweetest kid ever, always fell victim to Lily’s delinquency. Luckily his mom is the coolest and she saw the humor as opposed horror I felt seeing my kid, the binky bandit. It was right before she turned two, so not quite the terrible two’s, more like the mom needs lots of wine one’s. One of the best pieces of advice I ever got for raising a kid was, everything is a phase, so try not to get too upset about whatever it is. Thankfully the binky grabbing phase passed just like the ‘I want to wear my diaper over my pants otherwise I’ll scream for 20 minutes straight’ phase did.  If that phase lasted a day longer I would’ve ended up in a padded room.  Oh, and then there was that phase when she would throw every last piece of food I gave her on the floor. That phase almost landed me in jail.

Pacifiers, and while we’re at it, turtlenecks, you are the co-douchebags of the day.

Written by Hope Grider