It was one of those days when I was in Walgreens and my daughter decided that every single mascara hanging in the make-up section would be better off on the floor. She’d blown through Revlon and was halfway through Cover Girl when I finally got a hold of her. That paired with the deep wedgie my underwear was giving me all day had me at the end of my rope. I resorted to bribery which I try to avoid, but I just didn’t care at that point. I told her if she behaves and doesn’t touch another thing until we leave the store I’d get her a toy. She was an angel the rest of the time and she left with some crappy motorized something, but she was really excited about it. Buying toys in Walgreens is like perusing some of the shittier dating websites. The selection sucks, you end up settling for something you wouldn’t normally want, you play with it once and never acknowledge it again.

When we got home she wanted to play with her crappy new toy immediately which was fine because then I could make dinner. My daughter is obsessed with cooking and always wants to “help.” She doesn’t get it from me because before I had a kid I literally had cooked one meal ever for an old boyfriend. I was trying to impress him, but ended up severely overcooking the chicken. I was so afraid of undercooking it and giving him salmonella, that it ended up, in his words, “drier than Betty White’s vagina.” He had quite the sense of humor, and in this case it quite literally killed both of our appetites so we just drank heavily instead. So I went to open the toy for Lily, and just as I saw her excitement build, I realized it didn’t come with a battery. And of course we’re not the type of people who have batteries lying around the house. You know those people who always have a spare roll of toilet paper in the bathroom ready to go? We’re not those people either. So now in addition to cooking, I’d have to deal with a cranky, now disappointed kid. And let’s not forget about about the deep wedgie that still hadn’t let up. Some toys do include batteries, why don’t they all? I’ll pay the extra money, just make my life easier please.

Needless to say, when I broke the news to Lily about not being able to play with the toy she was disappointed. But to my delight she said, it’s ok mommy, I’ll just play with something else right now. I was somewhat shocked, but mostly relieved. Those few moments here and there when your kids don’t act like assholes are magic. I know I can be really harsh, but for the record, my little asshole is by far the best thing that’s ever happened in my life. Ever.

Enough sap, back to business. I might’ve gotten off easy this time, but it could’ve gone the other way, and regardless, not including batteries in a motorized toy is moronic. Which means toy company, you are the douchebag of the day.

Written by Hope Grider