I’m sort of on the fence about today’s douchebag. On one hand I think it’s a fantastic idea, on the other hand, it stresses me out. So the newer public bathrooms these days tend to have the automatic flushing toilets as well as automatic sinks. Now, it clearly has its perks. The fact that you don’t have to touch the “flusher” is pretty genius. Given the wipe then flush protocol, it’s pretty much the same thing as touching someone’s asshole. I would always flush with my foot, but frankly I don’t even want someone’s ass remnants on the bottom of my shoe. Especially if I’m wearing my Pradas. The same thing goes for the sinks, it prevents you from having to touch anything so that’s good. But here’s my issue, half the time they don’t work. Or if they do, the timing is totally off.

For example, if you go to a public bathroom, you most likely want to get in and out of there fast. Even if it’s a really nice, upscale bathroom that doesn’t change. Fancy people’s shit stinks too. So it’s happened to me too many times where I finish my business, and I’m ready to leave the stall. I’m pretty much out and en route to the sinks when I realize I haven’t yet heard the toilet flush. Now, I’m pretty quick and it could just be a DL (delayed flush). Or like many of the toilets out there, the automatic flush could not be working and you still have to do it manually. Now if you’re like 6-7 strides out of the stall, what do you do? Well, if you’re me you go back. The last thing I want is to walk into a bathroom stall and see yellow, brown, or worse yet, red (Too much? Sorry). Nothing can ruin your day more than seeing a floater that doesn’t belong to you, or some really aggressively yellow pee. I don’t need to know that the person that went before me either doesn’t drink enough water or OD’s on vitamin C supplements. So as a contributing member of society, I do my part to make sure nobody’s day is ruined on my watch. But who the hell wants to have to go back into the stall after you’ve already moved on?

And those automatic sinks, I consider myself relatively intelligent, and sometimes I can’t figure out where to put my hands to get the damn thing to turn on. Not the place I want to be challenged. And then once you finally get it on, a lot of them don’t stay on long enough. Who are they to say it should take me 3 1/2 seconds to wash off my soap? It takes me 5 1/2 seconds and I think that’s reasonable. You’re not the boss of me automated sink people! Which brings me to today’s douchebag. Whoever is behind this technology, you leave me with a conundrum. I like you for reducing the amount of butt bacteria I touch, but you really gotta get your shit together and make sure your wizardry actually works. I don’t want to spend any more time than necessary in public restrooms. It’s strange that they call them restrooms. Personally I’d rather rest in a cold, dark cave than a place that smells like dirty diapers. Anyway, sink/toilet people, you are today’s douchebags of the day. But given my mixed feelings, I say it with peace and love.

Written by Hope Grider