Today’s DB of the day can fly.  In fact…it is a fly.  I used to work in a huge midtown office building in NYC.  Many of the offices in my building have windows, mine was not one of them.  I worked in what I would call a cave, because I basically worked in the dark.  I refused to put on that horrible fluorescent lighting, it’s about as flattering as Mom jeans.  Angelina Jolie wouldn’t even look good in that light, I’d look like Courtney Love after a 3-day binge.  I also had yellow walls.  The person in my office before me painted them.  The best way to describe the color is “piss yellow.”  You know sometimes when you hear running water it makes you have to pee?  That’s what happened with my walls. Good thing I was about 10 feet from the bathroom, between my walls and my shockingly small bladder, I was there quite a lot.

So, while there were windows in my office building, none of them open.  One day, I was typing away at my computer, and suddenly a fly flew aggressively at my face.  I quickly swatted it away, not thinking much of it.  But then I started to think.  Like I said earlier, NONE of the windows in my building open, so how did this buzzing nuisance get in?  He had to get in just like anyone else, through one of the doors on the ground floor, that happen to revolve.  So this fly most likely came in through a revolving door.  I saw a woman visiting from overseas having trouble understanding the revolving door, but not this fly, he got right in.  OK, so the fly is now in the building, but I worked on the 6th floor. How did he get up here I thought?  Well, the only way to get up is by riding the elevator. I guess that’s what the fly did.  I wonder if the fly did what I did every morning. I would get in the elevator quickly, and then as people try to hurry towards my elevator, I reached over pretending I’m going for the “doors open” button, but really I crazily began pushing the “doors close” button over and over.  I would look at the people innocently like, “Oops!  My bad, wrong button.”  Bitchy move?  Sure.  But this bitch didn’t have to stop on floors 3, 4, or 5.

So this fly was buzzing around my office all day, annoying the crap out of me.  I had enough people at work that annoy the crap out me, I really needed this fly?  Now keep in mind, about 600 people worked in my office.  And for 3 days straight this fly spend most of its time in my office.  Couldn’t it go up the stairs to the 7th floor and buzz around our CEO’s office for a while?  He has wrap around windows with sprawling views.  Why was he slummin’ it in my piss colored walled cave?  Dumb ass fly.

Anyway, after 3 days with this insect invading my space, buzzing around my overpriced, underwhelming lunchmeat sandwiches, constantly causing me to lose my train of thought, I’d had it.  This fly was the Douchebag of 3 days.  But as of 4:36 PM on day 3, one of my piss colored walls had a black spot on it.

RIP fly.

Written by Hope Grider