I’ve come to realize there are 2 things all babies pretty much love. Boobs and bubbles. The boob thing obviously kicks in right away with the breastfeeding. I did it for 6 months, I’m glad I did it, but was very happy to be done with it. And it was very clear the day it was time to be done. One morning I got up, started to to breastfeed, and there it was, my daughter’s first tooth. If nipples could talk mine would’ve said, ‘And…..that’s a wrap.’ Later in the day I was at work (I had gone back full time at that point) and was in the lactation room pumping while on a conference call. Now mind you, I worked with probably 75-80% men. So there were 6 of us already on the call and my male boss was about to dial in the client. But first he said, ‘Hope, um, I’m sorry, but is there any way you can put us on mute? We can hear that machine making noise and it might be sort of awkward if the client hears it.’ I thought, you mean more awkward than I feel right now that you’re calling attention to ‘that machine’ that’s aggressively sucking the milk out of my engorged breasts so I can feed my child? Sure, no problem. Looking back, I probably should’ve put them all on mute from the beginning, but I’m convinced that along with the milk, somehow my brain cells got sucked out as well. My pregnancy brain wasn’t all that bad. My breastfeeding brain was horrible. Think of the dumbest person you know. I was even dumber.
Now onto the bubbles where today’s douchebag comes in. I went to multiple mommy and me classes, and no matter what the theme of the class, it always ended with the teacher filling the room with bubbles. And without fail, every kid loves it. When you think about it, it’s amazing that soapy water can make kids so happy. You want to be like, shit, enjoy it now. Life is full disappointment, at some point bubbles just aren’t gonna do it unless you’re looking at them while you’re high out of your mind. Sure, I want my daughter to have a positive outlook on life, but I also want her to be realistic. Like my issue with some of these Disney princesses. Listen, if you’re gonna sit around and wait for prince charming to show up on a white horse you’re gonna be waiting a long time. If you can find a guy who doesn’t fart too much, has something to say other than ‘nice ass,’ and shows up in a white Honda from this decade, you’re doing ok.
But back to the bubbles. Adam and I were taking Lily to the park, and on the way we stopped at Walgreens to get toothpaste. Is anyone else always out of toothpaste like we are? It’s like there’s a great white shark living in my house and he too brushes his 300 teeth twice a day. Anyway, while in Walgreens I saw they had bubbles, so I bought them and brought them to the park. When I pulled them out, Lily immediately had a huge smile on her face. I dipped the wand into the liquid and started to blow. Nothing. I tried it again. Still nothing. (I’ve found in most cases, if you’re blowing on something and nothing happens, something is very wrong) Anyway, the look of disappointment on Lily’s face was enough to fire me up. And they have the nerve to call these things, ‘Super Miracle Bubbles.’ The real miracle is they’re still in business. Granted they cost 99 cents so I didn’t expect a bubble-palooza, but I did expect some semblance of a bubble. I looked to see where they were made, and it said, made in China. Now I don’t want to stereotype, because I’m sure there are some things that are made very well in China. I for one am a huge fan of the dumpling and their idea to take rice and fry it is just genius. But whoever is responsible for making these ‘bubbles,’ please stop and maybe try your hand at a pork bun. Whoever you are, you are the douchebag of the day.